It really feels like a long time has passed since we said goodbye, but it has been only 9 months. Perhaps there is no coincidence the gestational time for a human is 9 months, we spend time preparing, hoping, dreaming.
The past 9 months have been different.
We have spent time repairing, removing, selling, and trying to find new dreams.
Sometimes I still dream of you, you are ill, and I am frustrated, I know you are dying but I can't stop it. In my dream I am angry as I believe your wife chose to ignore your ailment, and it was too late by the time we (your sons) became aware. In my dream I am as helpless as I am when I am awake.
I want to blame someone.
These things don't just happen.
People don't die before we are ready to let go, there are still too many words unspoken, too many dreams never heard.
There is no one to blame.
When I stopped chasing the shadows on the grassy knoll and learned to say goodbye, I began to heal.
Unlike the fantasies we see on television or the movies, death is not honorable. It is rarely peaceful. It is usually a wretched, horrible time at the end of a tear stained path. The only peace we have at the moment is the fight is finally over.
And our hope.
We hope to see you again, we hope everything we grew up believing is real, and we hope so strongly that we live in those hopes, and our faith in the hereafter, in a God we cannot see but believe lives in our hearts becomes the reality, the substance of the things we hope for.
We have faith.
Sometimes I really miss you. I can only assume that is healthy, and I am so glad I had the opportunity to spend time with you at the end and show you the man I became. I am so far from perfect, but I am not the young man that heard his father say, "You are running full speed with no target in sight."
I have learned to control my speed, to "use my power for good, and not evil."
I am learning the value of Peace.
I remember one occasion, near the end, when you told me the most important thing was to have peace. I was in a fighting mood and that was the last thing I wanted to hear.
But I understand now, and I think perhaps you knew your time was short.
Peace is important.
I have learned something, peace is not the absence of conflict. Peace is the inner calm when the storm rages the hardest.
There is a peace that passes understanding, it cannot be bought nor sold. It is indescribable. and can only be experienced. This peace enables us to bury the dead, and tend to the living. This is the peace that allows us to continue living when our hearts are breaking and we have no faith, only hope.
This is the peace I have when I am awakened at 3 am, and I can lay down once again and go back to sleep.
A peace that passes understanding.
The feeling of being in the most calm place ever created, at sunset, watching the moon become more present as the fire of the day sinks slowly into a sea of forgetfulness. It is the feeling that all is well, although storms rage inside.
I heard a story one time, and the hero said "Peace, be still" when men were fearing for their lives.
The peace came to the men before the storm was calmed.
This is where I have been the last 9 months, fighting the gales of indecisiveness, as the waves of hopelessness tried to bury us alive, but someone said "Peace, be still."
Before the storm was gone, I learned to stand with peace. I could not explain it, but in my heart I was calm.
9 months later, it has been a time of rebirth.
You helped prepare me for this journey, and now I am ready.
In peace, with understanding, I will follow, I will lead.
