I made it...

Yesterday was my birthday.

I turned 50.

Inside, I am still a 25 year old, I still have dreams, goals, and things I really want to do.

The regrets are getting less, am I forgetting more? No, just learning what has happened, right or wrong, yesterday or 2 years ago or even 20 years ago, is done. It is what it is.  As my brother said this weekend, the only thing we can change is tomorrow, by what we do today.

I joke and say, "I have only lived a third of my life."

I hope that is true.

I went to the cemetery with my brother (he came in from out of state), we saw your final resting place, and we had a good talk.  We are proud of you Dad.  You did well.

All you can really leave is a legacy, and yours is one of children following your faith, working, trying to make a difference in life.  Even though only one is active in the ministry, the rest of us are "socially" responsible.  We have a history of visting the jailed, feeding the homeless, caring for those that are less fortunate, even when we were hurting.

It is the right thing.

We learned to "suck it up" and "quit whining" and most important, to NEVER make someone feel excluded intentionally. There is nothing worse in this life than to be on the outside looking in.  You taught us the price to share the glory, the "prizes", and even the special days will only make us stronger.  The kinder we are, the stronger we become.

Kindness is a choice.

The more we exercise our ability to choose to be kind, the stronger we become.  The more perceptive we become, and the closer to Grace we live.

When we CHOOSE (intentional emphasis) to exercise selfishness and proclaim ANY reason (it's my birthday, it's my ...), we remove the grace and kindness from the moment. Wine becomes vinegar, sweetness is made bitter, and what should be life-giving becomes venomous.

The hardest thing about living according to a strong set of values is you may be the only one that adheres to these principles. It can be a lonely existence, but in your heart, you are strong.  You know what is right, and by standing on your principles, you will not only survive, you will be blessed.

I watched you in your lonely times, and saw you stay strong.  Sometimes it meant keeping quiet while the rest of the world roared around you, but you held fast.

When the faithful became faithless, when those we considered in spiritual leadership showed they were actually just religious, when the disciple became a pharisee, you did not lose your grip. You never changed, you drew closer to that which you believed in, you walked closer to the shepherd when the wolves dressed as sheep.

The lessons I learn from you now are not from your words, it is from remembering your heart, your intent, and ignoring your humanity.  You were just a man, just a guy, and you struggled with the same frustrations we all struggle with, words spoken in anger and sometimes deeds of the same.  But the heart never changed.

I always draw hope from the stories of David (Old Testament).  He was a man after God's heart, the musician, the poet, the sensitive one.  But he was a warrior, a violent man filled with pride and made terrible mistakes, but he was real.  He was unafraid to dance, to weep, to be angry, to do what he thought was the right thing (at the moment).

You told me long ago that you knew I was not afraid of consequences, that even as a young boy, I weighed the results and decided if I could live with the results of my actions.  Generally, i was willing to live in the result of my actions, good or bad.  You said you quit trying to correct me and started trying to guide me.  You knew if you could point me towards the right goal, I would never give up, I would pursue it forever.

And you quit worrying about me.

That was good.

I made my share of mistakes, but I still strive for the same goal, the same objective. In my wake are the broken pieces of mistakes, but along the way I have become stronger and tried to share the message, and the stronger I become, the kinder I want to be.

I turned 50.

Life just started...

It's getting better...maybe

I found some DVDs recently, they were used, but unlabeled.  I put one in, and it was a copy of the DVD I made to honor you during the memorial services.

Is it getting better?  This time I did not cry.

It was sad to remember I never really "knew" you until you were gone.  Everything I thought was you, was just my perception of you.  It was based on my relationship with you.

When we finally put the whole picture together, you were a pretty likable guy.

You have taught me more in the 6 months since your passing than I allowed earlier.

We are more than just the 1 or 2 dimensional image seen by our family.  So often those that love us the most, also constrain us more.  Somewhere along the path of life, we become demigods and create images of others based on our perception of what we think they should be.

And we never really know them.

They have dreams, fears, hopes, and tears.

But they can't have those - not in our world.

The box we create for them does not allow those freedoms.

The last box we put them in, contains all their dreams, all their hopes, but no fear.  The only tears are the ones we shed.

If we can just learn to see our loved ones for the people they are; the grouchy old man is a little boy that dreams of riding a bicycle on his own, the disabled lady in the wheelchair is a ballerina, the angry man was rejected, the shy young lady is a hero looking for a chance to rescue someone in need.

Take the boxes we created, set the images of each other free,  drop our demigod status and accept we are all the same.

I ramble...I do that a lot sometimes.

It's getting better...and I am still changing.