It is quiet.
One of those moments when everyone is asleep but me, and I have been running in the dark for so long, the light hurts my eyes, so I shut them.
I have no pain, but I miss the beauty created for our enjoyment, and the moments of peace are as elusive as they were a year ago.
It is time to change.
Stop living in the winter, and come out into the spring.
It is time to forgive.
I have been angry.
I blamed your passing...your death...on her selfishness. If she had only taken an interest earlier, if she had just acted like a wife instead of a tenant, obligated to a landlord...
If ... If ... If...
Neverending.
Regret has tentacles that choke the life out of every joyful moment. Invisible fetters of anger that strip us of our dreams and leave us wandering naked and ashamed in the tombs of what could have been...like madmen confined to a never ending nightmare...hoping for someone, anyone, to rescue us.
That someone isn't coming.
So we are doomed, unless we know the secret.
Forgiving.
In my own wisdom, forgiveness seems weak, it is the thing I hate. So many people think to forgive is to act like it never happened, to put yourself in a place to be hurt, again and again.
That is not true.
To forgive means you lay down the sword, you relinquish the "right" to punish someone, you no longer seek to be the hand that administers justice. To forgive is to no longer carry the anger, and you move on.
This is hard to do.
But if I don't forgive, bitterness will take root and it will poison everything.
It is easier to stay angry, especially when you feel someone contributed to the death of a loved one.
I really believe that.
I believe her lack of attention to your condition, and calling us only after you got to the point that your liver was failing, contributed to your early demise. Could she have convinced you to see a better doctor? A doctor that would start treatment earlier?
I did.
But it was too late.
Perhaps I am looking to blame someone, rather than simply accept the fact you are gone.
All I know, is I need to be set free also, so I know only one way...I must forgive.
This is a new thing for me, don't get too excited. I am only forgiving her for her actions (or lack of actions), I am not some hero. I am just doing what is best for me.
So how do I make this fit the Title (Thankful)?
I started this on Thanksgiving Night.
I am Thankful you taught me how to think things through, and to forgive.
I know you would be more proud of me to be a man of peace than to be a warrior. I know you would want me to forgive, after all, you did it many times.
And for that - I am Thankful.
So I lay down the sword of anger, and I forgive her.
Now lets move on.
