We were idiots...

We were idiots...we never thought we would live this long, we never thought we would grow up, and people would count on us, depend upon us...


Horrible motorcycle accidents, sliding on pavement, seeing cars race by my head while I rolled out of the way...sticking my arm out at 60 mph trying to knock down a traffic barrier, getting ripped off the back of the bike and ending up a tangled mess in a ditch...


Walking away...


Riding off a small "cliff" - fearless, hitting the ground so hard the frame breaks...this time I felt it...


Limping away...


Somehow we survived.


We grew up, cut our hair, became old and uncool...and settled down...thankful the days of stupid challenges are over.


I chose engineering, I like the predictability. Challenges can be calculated away, solutions are always planned, if -then statements rule...no heart ache...no surprises...and certainly no danger...


I don't like unpredictability - I strain at a gnat and ignore the elephant...


So here I am, older, greyer, a little slower...but on the inside...


I am 17 again - long hair blowing in the wind, riding with a purpose, and when needed...fearless...


Perhaps I can use this strength when the harder times arrive...I have learned to conceal the fear, God knows I can stand and scream at the enemy while shaking on the inside...perhaps the rebellion has become something I can count on, something others can depend upon...I will not leave...I will not change...


It's hard when it isn't your battle.


I want to give my Dad all my strength, take him back to his younger years. He was a good man, should have been a great man.


Me - well, I am no "chip off the old block..."


I am the guy that struggles to have faith, while standing behind my Dad in this assembly line of life. I see the inevitable, and I am not afraid...but I fight...this is not right, good men are supposed to live forever...not fade away...


I don't get it...


I grew up hearing all the stories about miracle events...where are they now?


If anyone deserves a miracle, it is the good people, the ones full of faith.


If it were possible, I would jerk him back from the edge of the abyss and stand in his place...I fear what I will be after he is gone...when I stand alone...


I know this is supposed to be about him and his struggle, but I missed so many years in my pursuit. I missed the years with him. Always too busy to go with him when asked to go fishing, to go to ball games...my visits were short and usually tucked in between projects...


Too much at stake, too many mountains to climb...too many dreams to chase...


Now I need to make it count.


Maybe my heart is just sorry for the missed times and I am trying to make myself into some hero in order to deal with it.


Maybe I just need to slow down and listen to him.


We were together recently, I spent a few hours with him, took him to get his hair cut. We just chatted, enjoyed ourselves. I try not to ever make him feel indebted to me, after all, it is my debt that is so large.


I'll never forget...


One time when I was a much younger man, he extended a loan to me. In order to repay, I was making monthly payments to him. In the mean time, I struggled with who I was, and did God really have any place in my life? Was he who I thought he was? Who I hoped he was? Did he really love me?


I prayed I would receive an answer...


Then when I approached my father to give him the latest payment...


He said, "Your debt has been paid...you owe me nothing..."


I did not understand...


He said, "I paid your debt for you, there is nothing you can do to pay it off."
"But I owe you," I said...
And he said, "I know...but that is what grace is all about. I extended the loan, then paid it off, you can do nothing...it is bigger than you...and it is over..."


I learned a little about God that day...


That is what it is all about...grace...mercy...


I am still learning...still growing...hopefully, still changing...