Peace, finally

It is December, nearly a year after you passed away.

Sometimes I still get choked up when I remember you are really gone.

But it does not happen as often.

Sometimes I talk to "you", like you are able to hear me, and it makes me feel better.

I know you are not here, and my limited theological training leads me to believe that you are probably unable to hear me, after all - Heaven is a place of joy and beauty, why would you have the opportunity to be saddened by life here "below?"

Since the last time I wrote, things have changed.

I am taking better care of myself, eating better, and exercising - I joined a fitness center and I am making every effort to undo the years of foolish living. I am determined to be healthier than I have been, and yes - healthier than you.

I guess the biggest change is inside.

I am sleeping better, no angry dreams where I am helpless, trying to save you.  No more waking up with a heaviness in my spirit. No more guilt that I should have done more.

I chose to forgive, and as much as I wanted to be the hand of God extended in wrath, I knew that would never end. There are no actions strong enough to settle the storm of revenge. Nothing will bring peace when it is done in anger. There is no pain I can inflict on another that will take my own away.

Revenge is a horribly dark chasm, and it gets darker and deeper and never ends.

The only freedom is in forgiveness.

I did not do anything "magic". I just made a choice, and I forgave.

It's funny, I really felt like you were proud of me, prouder than when I graduated college, prouder than when I got the great job.  This was something eternal.

The bad dreams went away.

My anger subsided.

And my fear of appearing weak was simply that - a fear.

Strength is not displayed all the time, but is held in reserve until it is needed.

I forgave...and as a result, I was forgiven.

Set free...

Really free.

I started a journey long ago, as an angry young man, without direction or focus.  Along the way, in my own "Pilgrim's Progress," I have changed.  Sometimes losing things that meant more than they should, and sometimes gaining things I could not comprehend the value of.

I feel like I am standing on a mountain, one of the many peaks you took us to when we were boys in Europe, and as I look out at the beauty around us, it is good.

Thanks Dad, you left enough markers and I found my way home.

I made it.