Time to say goodbye

It has been a year, and although the activities have always had your shadow overhead, you were not here.

We became "perceived" experts in our ability to diagnose everyone with your illness.  Even those that are not sick.  I guess it is a part of the pendulum of life swinging from one extreme to another.

Sometimes it has been hard to be motivated.  I never felt like I was depressed or sad, but I just could not seem to "get going" with the intensity I once had.

I am more tolerant in some areas, and less in others.

I am beginning to care about me, and my feelings.

I grew up and suffered religious angst when my core, the very being of who I am, did not coincide with the mindless dribble by those learned theologians allowed to be in authority of our faith.  When I questioned, I was always wrong for questioning, and the answers were...never there.

I wish I could say you taught me to question, that you taught me to seek these things out.

Perhaps you did, when your blind acceptance of fallible men's interpretations of the scriptures became your gospel...and I wanted more...I wanted a personal truth.

I wanted more than the social event of Sunday morning, and perhaps another day during the week.

I wanted that faith, that relationship with someone that would never leave.  After all, even at its best, all of life is temporal.

I wanted that rest in my spirit, that peace in my soul, when in the solitude of darkness I can still hear you struggling to breathe...and it stops.

And never starts again.

You taught me a lot, or at least you tried to.  I adhere to your faith, your eternal hope is my eternal hope.  But I want more.

I want the strength to stand when I have done all I can, and all that is left is to trust in the unseen.  I want to "stand in the gap" for those that are suffering in silence, and let them sleep, knowing someone cares.

I want to pass this knowledge to someone else.  Pass this baton to the next runner, as we sit in silence because we have said all there is to say.

I want to be missed one day.

I guess I want the things you achieved.

It has been a long year.  A lot of soul searching and growth, and I am finally seeing a little life from this year of cultivation. I am finally starting to understand.

I am growing up.

Dad, I never wanted to say goodbye, but this cannot go on forever.  It is time to return to my life and carry the memories in my heart, and continue the journey.

Thank you for the tireless efforts of training, teaching, and in the end, yes - I know you loved me.

You were a good man, and I am proud to have been with you through all of this.

I remember wearing your combat boots when I was a child, just a boy "flopping" around in his father's shoes. It was funny, it was entertaining, and you were the giant in all of life.

It took a long time before I could wear those boots, and when I did - it felt right.

Whether it is wingtips, boots, or some other shoe - they are mine now.  No longer a child "flopping" around in Daddy's shoes, but a man...following my own call, my own piper - after all, that is what you taught me to do.

Rest in peace Dad, it's going to be okay.