It would over simplify things to say there have been a lot of changes. I think the hardest thing for me to accept is there are no more chances to "fix the broken parts" of our relationship. We cover the wounds with emotional and psychological bandages until we appear as living mummies, our real features indistinguishable and the bandages that cover us not only keep us from feeling, but they become a bondage also.
Throughout the past year, I have peeled away the bandages, one layer at a time. The putrid stench of anger and bitterness was revolting, and so many scars were self inflicted by selfishness and pride. I am speaking in metaphors, obviously there were no bloody wounds and bandages, at least none that could be seen.
It is hard to admit, it feels so cowardly to say that I blamed so many things on my youth.
It was me.
I could say, "You never taught me...or You held me back..." but it would be false.
It was me.
I made the decisions, I did what I wanted to. The pain was mine, the joy was mine.
You know, it has not been so bad. I am beginning to wonder why I was angry, what happened that I blamed you? Life is good, it always was.
I can't remember the reasons for the bandages anymore.
Maybe this is what you were teaching - to be who we are, to be who we were created to be, and to be at peace.
During the past year, I came to this virtual place, this blog, and I laughed, I cried, I ranted, until I found myself empty, ready to move on.
The final part of this journey is to take the bandages off, stop trying to heal and protect myself, and move on.
I can do it.
It doesn't mean I stop this. This blog, this virtual room I have been so comfortable in is a special place.
It is a place of peace, of healing, and a place of hope.
It took a while, and I miss you terribly, but I am really okay.
I am still proud of your service, I have your "cover" and your medals, and other items that made you who you are. Yes, I said "are" - it is eternal, and who you were is who you are.
I am still sifting through the memories and holding on to some special ones, and sometimes - I still allow myself that time to reflect, I need it. I have learned it is good to forgive, and to be forgiven.
I come to this place, this special place that is with me everywhere I go - this virtual room of comfort, and I talk to you, about you, and there is peace...there is healing...
This is a long way from the angry path we shared so many years ago.
I am glad I made it here.
Thanks Dad, you did a good job.
Throughout the past year, I have peeled away the bandages, one layer at a time. The putrid stench of anger and bitterness was revolting, and so many scars were self inflicted by selfishness and pride. I am speaking in metaphors, obviously there were no bloody wounds and bandages, at least none that could be seen.
It is hard to admit, it feels so cowardly to say that I blamed so many things on my youth.
It was me.
I could say, "You never taught me...or You held me back..." but it would be false.
It was me.
I made the decisions, I did what I wanted to. The pain was mine, the joy was mine.
You know, it has not been so bad. I am beginning to wonder why I was angry, what happened that I blamed you? Life is good, it always was.
I can't remember the reasons for the bandages anymore.
Maybe this is what you were teaching - to be who we are, to be who we were created to be, and to be at peace.
During the past year, I came to this virtual place, this blog, and I laughed, I cried, I ranted, until I found myself empty, ready to move on.
The final part of this journey is to take the bandages off, stop trying to heal and protect myself, and move on.
I can do it.
It doesn't mean I stop this. This blog, this virtual room I have been so comfortable in is a special place.
It is a place of peace, of healing, and a place of hope.
It took a while, and I miss you terribly, but I am really okay.
I am still proud of your service, I have your "cover" and your medals, and other items that made you who you are. Yes, I said "are" - it is eternal, and who you were is who you are.
I am still sifting through the memories and holding on to some special ones, and sometimes - I still allow myself that time to reflect, I need it. I have learned it is good to forgive, and to be forgiven.
I come to this place, this special place that is with me everywhere I go - this virtual room of comfort, and I talk to you, about you, and there is peace...there is healing...
This is a long way from the angry path we shared so many years ago.
I am glad I made it here.
Thanks Dad, you did a good job.
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