20%

My father is in the hospital.  He did not want to go, but he is changing, he sits and sleeps alot, and expresses little interest in the things he once lived for.

We talked a little last night, he was telling me the things he wanted to do "if he lived"...

I told him he was a good father, and I was really glad he was there to teach me the things I know, and that he has a great legacy - his children carry his faith, his grandchildren and even his great grandchildren.  I told him he was a successful man...

He said he really appreciated hearing that.  He said the night before had been a hard one, that he felt about as low as you can feel.  I told him that was not true, that he is a great man, and we all love him and are fighting for him.

Today, I talked with my cousin - she told me how heart broken the family is over his illness.  She, her mother (his sister) and her daughter (his great niece) are all really upset.

She said she is glad I am here to care for him.

My wife and I are going to see him tonight - this has been an incredible amount of hospital stays for my Dad.

I am tired...

Last night, my Dad said he was not happy with the care I was giving him, that he thought I was interrupting the doctor's plan.  I told him he was right - I did interrupt the doctor.  I wanted him in the hospital getting some answers to his problems - getting a diagnosis - not waiting for the VA to send some data that will never arrive!  I also told him I could not live with myself if I did not do everything I could for him, and until he says "enough", I will not give up.

He settled down.

I told him I was doing for him, like he did for his father.

He told me he understood, and he appreciated it.

Sometimes this makes me wonder if I will have someone caring for me in this manner...

Can't think about that now - too much to do.

I am still tired...

It is getting harder to feel much anymore, I find myself starting to shut doors on my emotions, I feel like I can't waste time with my feelings right now, I havetoo much at stake, he has too much at stake...and I can't let him down.

My dad taught me long ago, one night in those late night drives from nowhere to home, that family means giving your all for the ones you love.  I was 4 years old, and he tried to explain it in a way I would understand...

He said, "If you were hungry and I was hungry, and all I had was enough money for one hamburger, I would buy it and give it to you."

For some reason, that always stuck with me.

Take care of your loved ones first.

Well, Dad bought the hamburgers for a long time, and now it is my turn.

Sometimes I feel like I am driving an ambulance or an old wagon on a trail, trying to get him to the doctor as quickly as I can...and the mush we are driving through is slowing us down.

Time is something we do not have.  80% of people in his condition die. 

But 20% live!

Let's go for it...20% is not a bad option...

1 in 5 - this is not the first time we beat the odds.

I wish I could say something encouraging...but it still feels like I am running in the dark...