I try not to think about things...

I talked with the doctor this week.

She agreed that my father told me "everything" except...

She said he will not get better.

This is as good as it will get.

His cirrhosis is now in the second of three stages.  The doctor said all they can do is treat the symptoms and try to make him comfortable.  The third stage will be the same as the second, with more symptoms.  At some point, the symptoms will no longer be treatable at home, and things will change.

I don't think my father knows he will not get better, or he has not talked about it.

My father is the type to make things right with people, but unlike his son (guess who), he does not seem to have very many issues to "make right."

I try not to think about it....

His example is a hard one to follow at times.  He always wanted peace in his life, so much that he avoided conflict to a fault.  I never wanted to be that way. I went the other direction...conflict even when unnecessary...

So where is the balance?

I try not to think about it...

My dad is becoming more feeble, physically and otherwise.  I moved recently, we are no longer just down the road, and it is a labor to visit now.  We talk on the phone sometimes, but that is about it. I had hoped I would be there for him more, help him out as we sat and discussed life and the journey, what we want to leave behind...but it is not happening that way.

So here we are again...frustrated, helpless, ignorant, scared, frustrated, helpless, ignorant,scared...never ending...Groundhog Day...Every Day...Never Ending...unlike the movie, I redo everything over and over, yet something always changes...and we never repeat it EXACTLY...so you never get better at anything...

I try not to think about things...

It is 2 weeks until Christmas, and my Father is no longer as mobile as he once was.  His doctor is recommending a "scooter" - a motorized chair to assist him in getting around.  He falls frequently, and is unable to get up without help.

The next door neighbor works for nursing home, so he was able to help.  Goodness in the middle of a bad time.

In this holiday snow globe of life we seem trapped inside, we learn to be comfortable when the flakes settle and it becomes easier to look through the bubble at the world passing by, then someone shakes the globe...
and the tornado starts all over again.