A long night

Dear Dad,

As I promised, we went to see you today.

Sometimes you amaze me.  You won't give up.  When I think you are about to give up, you bounce back.  Unfortunately, the bounces are taking their toll on you.

I walked in, you saw me, and called me by my name.  You seemed sad...

We talked, and I noticed you were really upset, you had tears in your eyes, and you were very aware of everything going on around you.

My brothers, one by phone and the other in person, took turns telling you how they were glad you are their father and talked about how you have taught them to be men, and what a great impact you have made on their lives.  They also told you that you did not have to worry about them, that they were okay and you could join your family that passed away before you.

I watched you cry when they talked with you.  It really seemed to upset you.

For some reason, I just did not feel I needed to say that.  You see, we have already had this talk.  You know where I stand,.  Instead, I told you that as long as I could, I would fight for you to live.  That I want you to live forever, and until you say stop, I will try to find ways to improve your health.  I want you here, alive, and at home.  I want you to make a miraculous comeback, and I will try to help you.

You did not cry, you nodded and said, "Thank you."

Later, I noticed you were crying, and sometimes I could hear you whispering "Jesus" as you were praying.  I asked if you would like us to pray with you, you said yes.

So we prayed, nothing spectacular, certainly not any prayers that will be remembered in history.  Just simple prayers of thanksgiving for your life, recognition of our frailties, and requests for your health.

You seemed to settle down and rest better, you were fairly restless before this.

Dad, I have to make a decision tomorrow.  When I see you tomorrow morning, I will talk with the doctor on your condition and we have to decide whether we will extend your life as it is, if your quality of life and health is improving, or if we just need to make you comfortable and let your old body do that which it is pressing to do.

I know your intent in the past, but that was before you were lying in bed, possibly dying.  Now, I have to consider not just what you may have indicated in an order, but also what you want now, and what is the best for you.

It will be a long night...

It's not Christmas Eve, but the Eve of decision.

I know you heard this before, but I will do the right thing, and I may not know what it is until I do it, but I will do the right thing.  This is why you asked me to take care of this for you - I have everything to lose and nothing to gain by your passing.

It will be a long night...