Getting Closer

Dear Dad,

Today, I met with hospice and we discussed the comfort care plan to help you in your final days.

We are nearing the end.

I spoke with the nurse, she said if you were coherent, it would be good to let you know what is going on, so when we walked in your room, you were awake, and we talked.  I explained we had followed your wishes and there was nothing left except to make you comfortable in your final days.  I introduced you to the new nurse from hospice, and asked you to cooperate with her, as she would help you to rest and be comfortable.

When I asked if you understood what I was saying you replied, "Yes."

I am tired.

I have been tired for a long time, I am not sure if it is everything you are going through or from my own holiday upper respiratory issues, both, or who knows.  I am just tired.

I have been balancing keeping family out of state informed and keeping peace locally while juggling my own life...

Sometimes life just kicks you where it counts, and you have to take a couple of breaths, shake it off, and get back into the fight.

The fight...what an analogy...comparing life to a fight.

No rules...the "other guy" (we never see the other guy) cheats...all you can do is do right, sometimes take a few punches, and when you see the opportunity to get your own licks in, fight like a madman with nothing to lose...that is the way it really is...we have nothing to lose, everything to gain.

I think your fight may be nearing the end...

Flash forward a day - this letter has been in process for a couple of days now.

Yesterday, you were very agitated and restless.  Your chloride levels are considered critical, your breathing varies between irregular and eratic, it is a strain to breath sometimes, then sometimes it is not.

You consume very little, and your recognition of others is slipping.

The other night, your swallow reflex came and went until you had "the rattle".  We are dealing with that with atropine.

It is difficult watching you waste away like this, but we are helpless.  Even though we provide medical care, you have chosen to refuse life saving methods, and at times clamp your lips shut and refuse food or drink.

I am still tired...

Last night we went to see you and you had pulled yourself out of bed, but were too weak to walk, so you collapsed by your bed.  The nursing staff found you before we did, sitting on the floor leaning against your bed. They were in the process of getting you back into bed and cleaning you up (accidents happen) when we arrive.

This has got to be tough on you.

Dad, we are still here, standing with you, helping you all the way to the end.  Sometimes when we talk, I don't know if you are really there anymore (in the last couple of days), you have a faraway look in your eyes, and you keep looking over my shoulder, sometimes I turn around to see what you are looking at, and there is nothing visible...I am not going to get all mystic and spiritualize things I am ignorant of, but who knows what you are seeing...

Well Dad, another day is beginning, let's see how you are doing today.

It really seems like the next "level" is getting closer...